Random Nonsense

Odds are high people that knew me ten years ago won’t be reading this. I’ve lost touch with most of them, as I’m sure you’ve all experienced in your own lives. Something that I think makes me stand out is the reasons I lost touch with most of them. They gave up on me.

Ten years ago had you asked anyone who knew me to describe me they would have had nothing but praise for me. I was confident, I worked hard, I was a trip to be around. I would constantly find myself the center of attention without ever demanding it, it just happened. I was fairly independent. Never single, there was always an option, but also never reliant for anything (money, attention, time, reassurance. anything.) on whoever the flavor of the month was.

I found myself in a bad situation and I got myself out of it cuz that’s the person I was. The people who knew what was going on were that much more in awe of me for being kickass yet again. I went on to be that badass chick for another ten months until I found myself in another tight spot. (I suppose I actually had that one coming for being so aloof and chill about everything. You can only say “no big. I’ll deal with it tomorrow” about so many things before tomorrow comes and you have more than you can handle to deal with.) I was scared and panicked. I made the wrong choice about how to deal with it. That choice caused most people who knew me to shake their head, throw their hands up, and walk away.

That choice got me stuck in a bad place, a bad place that I couldn’t find my way out of. Eventually, I stopped trying to find my way out and resigned myself to just getting by. The badass chick disappeared, and I don’t like the wimp that took her place. That wimp was content with friendship being nothing more than a “hi! you’re _____’s wife, right?” on the rare occasion she was recognized at the grocery store.

If you had asked that wimp “what do you do for fun?” (which, you wouldn’t have. you wouldn’t have had the chance to) she would have told you she reads 4 novels a week, she never has a single dirty dish in her sink, and her laundry hamper never overflows. She would have said this proudly despite memories of bridge jumping at 3 am, road trips to Louisiana for no reason other than she had the gas, the time, and a few passengers, and being the undefeated CB tag (I doubt any of you is redneck enough to know the game *sigh*) champ for 3 months running.

Most of you reading this have only met me within the past 3 years. I was still that wimp when you met me if you’re one of the ones reading who has known me the longest. I slowly started to regain some sense of sociability due to seeing there were people who would socialize with me. Also slowly, as I talked with those people, I let them get to know me and they weren’t bored or annoyed with who I was, as I expected them to be. So, again slowly, I started acting more like the me I used to be, and that was troubling to a certain douche…

That gets us to where I am now. On the road to being that chick again. On the road to not caring if that troubles anyone, it’s their problem not mine. A few things were said today for me to realize I have a ways to go yet, I just wanted it stated though I’m not at my best, I’m better than I was at my worst, and I give credit for my improvement to many of you reading this. I hope you know who you are, and I also hope you know I love you and am forever in your debt for your part, however minimal you may think it was, it was big to me. ♥